After writing my blog on my parents’ divorce and how it affected me, one of the things I said about it was that it ‘thought me what love is not’. A couple of people asked me what I thought what love is? And how I have come to understand love? Well the answer is not simple. I wish it was… in fact I ask myself that very question every moment it crosses my mind.
Unlike the kids whose parents’ marriage works, or worked, they had role models for love, intimate love between two people that is. Keeping in mind that we are talking about healthy love marriages not what I (and many other people) went through and what many kids are still experiencing as love in dysfunctional marriage. What is love? Honestly, I don’t know and I know at the same time. Confused? I know so am I…But I think that knowing what love is not, has assisted in me being aware of what love is, what love can be and who I choose to love. For me love goes beyond the four letters L.O.V.E, much more. I am so much more aware of how I want to be treated, loved and I am attuned to any situation when I am not treated like I should be. I can see the signs… really they are usually so clear they make us blind!
One might imagine that I have pent up resentment about love and issues with men and relationships… I do not. What I have learnt from my parents’ marriage or lack thereof, is to love myself. I do not depend on anyone to make me feel worthy of me. I make myself feel worthy of me. I love me… no, I am hopelessly in love with myself. Not in the egotistic kind of way, but in a nurturing kind of way. Anyone that really knows me will tell you how well I take care of myself, I do not wait for anyone to take care of Shazz. I do that. So that’s how I have learnt, taught myself to love. It is this immense love that I have for myself that allows me to have normal, loving relationships. I think for me the trick is not depending on something/ someone external to fill me up. But rather to seek within myself, to make myself happy first, to take care of myself first, to love myself first. I have been blessed with loving relationships in the past and present and I look forward to a future filled with unimaginable love.
The way I look at it, that was my parents experience. I suffered as a result. I made a decision that when my parents got divorced… it did not mean that it would scar me for the rest of my life. I was not going to carry that around with me and I do not. It was a life situation and it does not define my life or who I am today. Instead of running away from love, I chose to run towards it.
For me, love is personal, relative and universal at the same time. Love is personal in the sense that it is what you believe it to be, you should define it for yourself what it means for you. I do not get stuck on other peoples, or the media and film industries ideas on what love is. Love is real and personal for me. I cannot and no one can tell anyone what love is. Love is relative, it depends on the situation, each individual situation has its own unique kind of love, and for me the trick is not to expect or try making it the same. Be different let the experience of love suit the context and the present occasion and person. Love is universal; the fact that we can laugh and cry from looking at the same images proves this.
The thing is I could have been miserable for the most part of my life, wake up at 40 and realise that life and love had just passed me by because I had focused on that one life situation. My parents divorce does not define me or who I will become. So I say…bring on the Love.
September 29, 2008 at 12:50 pm
ya love is relative word, according to you I think that is important to love himself exspecially for your choice…this means also love.
But I also think that your way to see love is tipical of people that have the parents divorced and don’t want depending from noone because is normal that a person base his decision on his experience of life.
I think that love is sharing and sharing needs understanding and partecipation…is not you alone but two like one, difficult and wonderfull… just need to believe in it
October 1, 2008 at 11:48 am
Love! Wow! Love! Amaizing!
Love is a stepping stone an experience to what i 4 one live 4. Eternal love. One that is undefined, words can not elaborate the intensity of the feeling that takes over you! Love is a different concept to all, derived from our chosen experiences in life. Love is not merrige, but the feeling you get Whn you look in to the soul of someone you are willing to die for, for some it is their loved ones, for others their children, your parents, ur siblings your friends, you mentors. Any person that takes you to a place with no verbal definition, jus a rush or rather a flux of emotional chemistry, filling you up; your body and mind that undiscribable joy. Leaving you feeling like, there is jus no better place than that moment and the feeling your experiencing. My parents are divorced and for me it was sudden and brutal, it has scrard me and my siblings and life choices in so many ways, but it also was the greates experience of my life. It allowed me to see life and love from a non sociaty concept but rather my own, i see that in the family i choose, my friends! Whn i sit with shazz and share experiences of our lives and views on life, how different yet unique and beautiful they are, the moments when we get goose bumps at the same moment, true connecting, on a much greater level. Or Whn my father tells me how proud he is to have had a child like me in this life time, or my goofy moments with my sister, having laughs over nothing and everything, or Whn my younger brother says i love you, and my older brother takes me every Whr with him and just enjoys my company, or when my mother takes out her last cent to make me smile, not forgetting the million of people that make me smile and laugh, truly laugh from my soul every day. See love for me is a constant reminder of who we are, what we want, and where we are headed. How we choose to experience it, is up to us, and different for all of us. You can take the society way, the spiritual way, or your own way, your own creation. But it is what we live for, die for, breath for, look good for. It is our past, future, and present. It is everything and nothing. It is you/me. It is what it is. It is love.
October 3, 2008 at 5:19 pm
i think life in general shapes the way we perceive things but let me assert that with our consent and participation as well.love comes in many forms but in actuality we mean interaction of people in thoughts,words,deeds,gestures and in romance etc.it is something absolute but inherent within us hence we know that it is worth our attention and for it to be it needs people like you and me to define it anew in our own context in whatever society we might be.the concept love is a mystery of ages but it is simple,it is when i engage with you,asking you to help me to come self actualized and allowing me to assist you as well in that quest,it doesnt say there wont be conflict,its absorbing each other in all processes of growth as humans,its not about conforming or succumbing,allow me once more to say its not about who is superior or inferior but love is the ultimate goal,the bliss that satisfy both parties,anything less is a violation on someone.
October 7, 2008 at 2:34 pm
I totally agree with you, love is relative, and sometimes the problem in relationships is that we go into them with preconceived notions of what the other person is suppose to do to show us that they love us and because your ex partner did this you expect the new one to do the same. Even though people are all different and they all show love in different ways, I might buy you gifts where as the next person takes you on long walks. But one things that is certain is that when you love someone and they do you, you can feel it. So except it in whatever form it may come, as long as they make you happy. Once again Shazz, you’ve out done yourself
October 7, 2008 at 2:48 pm
*accept not except